7 Months Down

If you didn’t come from my instagram - 7 months ago, I started recovering from an eating disorder, and I wanted to give an update on how recovery has been. This post isn’t really about STEM, but it’s such an important part of me I felt wrong about leaving it out.

In my eyes, very little and so much have simultaneously changed in my life. Compared to where I was before my freshman year of college, I’ve made heaps of improvement. But compared to where I hope to be in life, I’ve made just a little progress in a log long way - but that’s just the way it is, and I’m (trying to be) okay about it.

In all honestly, battling bulimia was initially more painful, or at least just as painful, as suffering from bulimia itself. When I was at my worst state, I was physically frail and beat up, but emotionally I was so deep in denial it didn’t really hurt too much. The first step of recovering from anything is admitting you have a problem, and that is unfortunately one of -if not the hardest - steps to take.

It’s really different from just occasionally saying to yourself “I think I have a problem” and having somebody tell you “this is serious. Your body is not where it should be, and 1 in 5 people with this die from it or something caused by it.” It’s terrifying, and it’s also enlightening because that’s when I realized my problem is not little, and neither is recovery.

The first month was grueling. I mean appointment after appointment, blood tests every week, body composition tests, and just so much bad news. “Vitamin D is low, white blood cell count is off, bone density is severely low, lean body mass is 10 pounds under average.” All these problems that could only be fixed with the one thing I was most terrified to do - eat.

But I did it. It took about 2 months but I settled into a routine eating schedule, I found the good foods to eat, and I got my body where it needed to be. But then I went home, lived on a new routine, and I took time to adjust. And then I came back to school and I’m still struggling to adjust back.

Coming back to school, my path of recovery has fluctuated so much. The anxiety comes in waves and my diet is unsteady some days because I’m too tired or I’m late for class or whatever excuse I find to not eat. If we compared me now to where I was 7 months ago, you’d probably think very little has changed. But still, 7 months ago I weighed 101 pounds, which was what I weighed when I was 10, and now I don’t check my weight anymore. I work out at the gym to build strength and muscle instead of burning calories. I eat all my meals (or I do my best to) and I don’t beat myself up as much as I used to when I feel full or forget to go to the gym. A lot has changed, it’s just not easy to see.

That’s just the way recovery is. It’s not always visible, but it’s been more than worth it so far. Though I know I’m going to struggle with this for many many more months to come, I am thankful I have the opportunity to turn this part of my life around. I have grown so proud of myself, which is something I had really never felt before. And that pride is what makes me the strong woman (in STEM) I am today. 7 months down - forever to go in bettering myself!